![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
"Many of us have equated sexuality with identity. This means so much to the extent of compromising the upbringing that has formed the person in order to accommodate the person that has become. Sexuality to many dictates identity. However, I have seen, I included, an emerging set of young men who instead of harmonizing these two have placed tall “china walls” to exclude one from the other.
These young men have consciously separated themselves from the realities that are brought about by their personality and sexuality. At one point they entertain what shapes the identity which demands from them excelling in their worthwhile endeavors. Impressive they have become and delightful are they when others note their accomplishments and mere dispositions in life, in work, in love. However, we ask, are they really certain or are they really sincere by their own words? Who are they talking to? Do they hear themselves?
On the other hand, when sexuality demands from them intimacy they well comply. They mimic what is supposed to be a passionate intercourse or should I say exchange of sexual strengths naturally found in lovers. As if a show: a pornographic professionalism. Accessory to this display of sexual freedom is the capacity to build a physique that a second look or a lustful gaze couldn’t be resisted. We ask, behind all of these, after amassing muscles and endless attraction there is, what have they done? What have they appeased? When will they stop?"
I found it really interesting so I messaged the guy, and here's what I said:
I like what you wrote on your profile.
I think that even in this day and age those with "unconventional" lifestlyes are still forced to take a stand on how to define or exist in this reality. Whether or not they were directly or indirectly affected by social and cultural stigma is irrelevant to that end; we've adopted a tradition of trying to strictly define exactly who and what we are from the perspective of the persecuted,victimized and discriminated against or from the perspective of those who have spawned that same hatered thus leading us to take extremes and absolutes in forming decisions regarding our lifestyle.
It's not even what we experienced personally that lead us to take these steps sometimes.. Most people are just weighed down by the generations and generations of conflict, isolation and ostracism passed on through archetype from those who lived a deviated lifestyle compared to the "norm".
It doesn't just apply to homosexuals and lesbians, any race/minority group that has experienced discrimination and upheaval tend to form their personalities with a concept of victimized perception for decades and generations onward (even after the upheaval has either already passed or greatly diminished) normally leading to extremist behavior and psychology.
Siguro lang talaga sa society natin we translate this archetype into either being mortally afraid of being outed, living a completely isolated sexual life, and being extremely introverted in matters of sexual identity.
Or flaunting our sexual lifestyles and forming cliques,organizations, chill spots and haunts to give us a sense of belonging in this world where we have felt (whether rightly so or not), ostracized, isolated, misjudged and abused by mostly everyone else.
On one end, we absolutely personify and embrace the isolation, from society, from reality, from physiology, even from our minds. We segment, compartmentalize, regress, and repress so that we could function well as individuals. On the other end, we deviate to the extreme. We act as clinchingly close as possible to the pop-culture stereotypes assosiated with gay men and their quirks. Some of us even translate being transgendered and effiminate as the sole expression of being gay, and any other person with any other form of expression of one's sexuality that do not match society's gross impression of "gay people" are either pretentious fags who cannot admit the truth, or sadly disillusioned about their "true identities". "Paminta" nga ba kung matawag.
The harsh reality is, rarely do we ever find the in-between.
The truth of sexual diversity is lost on us, just as the truth of cultural diversity and tolerance have been lost on people who have felt anger, hate and persecution as a whole.
The poison takes it's time to heal, just as long as it spent to spread. Though in reality this poison has seeped down to the roots of our minds. We have, in a sense, curtailed our right to freedom of expression because of this execess baggage passed on through history.
Hate and ignorance are both the cause and the effect."
That being said, how long does it take to cleanse the human spirit?
***hungry****
- Location:The brink of despair. (porn sites won't open)
- Mood:
horny
He was lying next to me his face the perfect likeness of an angel under the dim moonlight falling through through the window. I had my earphones on and our eyes were locked. I was lying on my belly, my cheek on the pillow. He was lying down just a few inches away, I could feel the heat of his body radiating and washing over my skin; his scent intoxicating me along with the music.
My thoughts were muddled, his breath scattering all semblance of coherence. I could almost taste the warm and watery sweet flavor of air softly passing through his parted lips, His face was intense, his body moving closer while his hand held mine in it's grasp. Lulled, hypnotized heat flooded my senses as his forehead touched mine, dark eyes soft and body warm. His nose kissed the tip of my own and my eyes closed of their own volition. My breath hitched as his lips ghosted over my cheek just below the corner of my mouth, barely together, barely apart,
I breathed in and out ever so slowly, feeling his moist breath mix with mine. Feeling with every breath that he releases and that I take in that we were drinking each other's life, each other's soul My mind was blank and my body languid letting my senses have full reign as my belly rose and fell with each deep breath. Feeling an unspoken rhythm between us as our breaths danced and our soul mingled.
It was like this that sleep washed over us, in the same bed, with our clothes fully on, making love in the most passionate way.
My thoughts were muddled, his breath scattering all semblance of coherence. I could almost taste the warm and watery sweet flavor of air softly passing through his parted lips, His face was intense, his body moving closer while his hand held mine in it's grasp. Lulled, hypnotized heat flooded my senses as his forehead touched mine, dark eyes soft and body warm. His nose kissed the tip of my own and my eyes closed of their own volition. My breath hitched as his lips ghosted over my cheek just below the corner of my mouth, barely together, barely apart,
I breathed in and out ever so slowly, feeling his moist breath mix with mine. Feeling with every breath that he releases and that I take in that we were drinking each other's life, each other's soul My mind was blank and my body languid letting my senses have full reign as my belly rose and fell with each deep breath. Feeling an unspoken rhythm between us as our breaths danced and our soul mingled.
It was like this that sleep washed over us, in the same bed, with our clothes fully on, making love in the most passionate way.
- Location:2 nights ago at Eastwood
- Mood:Fantasizing
- Music:Just for Now - Imogen Heap
The closer you get to something, the harder it is to see. A lesson I guess he still hasn't learned over the years.
Too bad it keeps costing him people he "cares" about.
Why don't you go ahead tick another point for cosmic irony on that scoreboard of yours?
- Mood:
annoyed
"Maybe you'll soon forget about all... Maybe you'll miss it like I do..."
His hands were searing my skin; the grip of his fingers scorching my soul. Time was a fleeting thing in my mind, his breath my only reality. I felt his slick body rub up against mine, his luscious lips marking my flesh... Owning me.
"You... Ungh.... Have to stop..." My voice sounded desperate and strained.
"Why..?" He asked softly, licking the shell of my ear, nipping on its edge. His hand was clasped tightly on my wrists cutting off circulation from my numbing hands. His other hand slid underneath my waistband as he used his weight to pin me down.
"..Ugh. You're hurting me..!" I ground out as he brutally grasped the hilt of my hardened member. He bit down on my neck, gnashing just a little off the point of wounding. Pain and fire raged inside my body as I let out a strangled yell.
"..So..?" He said, calmly lapping on the bruised skin, raw red with his mark.
"..Why are you doing this...?" My breath was labored, and my eyes glazed. My body felt lost, slowly slipping into his domain; my mind screaming in its futility.
"..So that you don't forget." He said in a soft whisper, tightening his grasp on my painful erection.
"Ah!!! That hurts you bastard! Forget what?! Get off me!" trying in vain to kick and flail. I screamed out, a hoarse and cracked protest.
He looked into my pained eyes, dark orbs full of passion. Beyond the passion I saw the fear and insecurity hidden in its depths. My breath caught in my throat, and for a moment we both froze.
I knew this day was coming…
He took my lips, forcefully crashing his mouth into mine, and thrusting his heated tongue as far in as it would go. He never closed his eyes; instead he let me see into his soul exposing himself. While he was plundering my mouth, my eyes tore down all his boundaries. There was no I, no him, no us. Everything was lost, and then I knew; I understood.
Slowly, he parted his lips from mine and spoke, this time his voice didn’t hold any passion, any heat. Just plain cold fear, and a note of pleading.
“..So you’ll never forget… So your scars will always burn, and then….
Then.....
You’d never be able to escape me.”
Silent tears fell from his face, and in the darkness they were like crystal droplets promising hope and light.
I held him in my arms and the night watched as two bodies melted into each other in her cradle.
____
The next morning he was gone…
And the scars still burn in his memory…
His hands were searing my skin; the grip of his fingers scorching my soul. Time was a fleeting thing in my mind, his breath my only reality. I felt his slick body rub up against mine, his luscious lips marking my flesh... Owning me.
"You... Ungh.... Have to stop..." My voice sounded desperate and strained.
"Why..?" He asked softly, licking the shell of my ear, nipping on its edge. His hand was clasped tightly on my wrists cutting off circulation from my numbing hands. His other hand slid underneath my waistband as he used his weight to pin me down.
"..Ugh. You're hurting me..!" I ground out as he brutally grasped the hilt of my hardened member. He bit down on my neck, gnashing just a little off the point of wounding. Pain and fire raged inside my body as I let out a strangled yell.
"..So..?" He said, calmly lapping on the bruised skin, raw red with his mark.
"..Why are you doing this...?" My breath was labored, and my eyes glazed. My body felt lost, slowly slipping into his domain; my mind screaming in its futility.
"..So that you don't forget." He said in a soft whisper, tightening his grasp on my painful erection.
"Ah!!! That hurts you bastard! Forget what?! Get off me!" trying in vain to kick and flail. I screamed out, a hoarse and cracked protest.
He looked into my pained eyes, dark orbs full of passion. Beyond the passion I saw the fear and insecurity hidden in its depths. My breath caught in my throat, and for a moment we both froze.
I knew this day was coming…
He took my lips, forcefully crashing his mouth into mine, and thrusting his heated tongue as far in as it would go. He never closed his eyes; instead he let me see into his soul exposing himself. While he was plundering my mouth, my eyes tore down all his boundaries. There was no I, no him, no us. Everything was lost, and then I knew; I understood.
Slowly, he parted his lips from mine and spoke, this time his voice didn’t hold any passion, any heat. Just plain cold fear, and a note of pleading.
“..So you’ll never forget… So your scars will always burn, and then….
Then.....
You’d never be able to escape me.”
Silent tears fell from his face, and in the darkness they were like crystal droplets promising hope and light.
I held him in my arms and the night watched as two bodies melted into each other in her cradle.
____
The next morning he was gone…
And the scars still burn in his memory…
- Location:Inside my head
- Mood:Bittersweet
- Music:Tatooed on my Mind - Jeff's Crib
The carcasses rotting on the beach turned the sea to a sickly shade of pitch, and the sweetish smell of death hung like perfume. I watched as time turned it's wheel and as the earth's surface slithered, slowly changing it's mold. The sky was a sea of gold, the ground a foul midden heap. Sighing into my bed of leaves I turn ever-so softly. It doesn't concern me. Nothing concerns me.
I lie awake in my dreams, and time flows on.
Sweet decadence.
- Location:Somewhere inside the weaving
- Mood:
Serene - Music:Sakura - Orgel Jpop Hit Collection
"Why does that one stick out of the deck?" Asked the wide-eyed boy.
"Because it's arrogant." Answered Athropos.
"Why is the jack of clovers arrogant?" Asked the boy.
"Because it thinks too much." Answered the old woman.
"Why does it think too much?" Asked the boy.
"Because it wants to get out of the box." she answered.
"Why?" The boy inquired
"Because it doesn't want to buried by the other cards." Answered the hag.
"But it's just a card." Said the little boy.
"Yes it's just a card, and you're a just little boy." The woman said kindly giving the child a warm smile.
"I'm not a little boy! I'm all grown up." Said the boy, pouting.
"Yes, you are. You're a child." The old woman chuckled readjusting her spectacles then tousling the boy's hair
"Am not!! Who are you to tell me I'm a child!" Screamed the enraged toddler swatting away the old lady's hand.
"Who are you to tell the card it's just another card?" Athropos smiled softly. She then picked up a pair of garden shears then stabbed the boy in both eyes.
The boy screamed in pain and writhed on the floor. "I CAN'T SEE!!!" the little boy shrieked.
"Well now you're just another card." The old lady chuckled while smiling warmly at the writhing body on the floor. Sighing pleasantly, she cut off the head of the jack of clovers using the bloody kitchen shears.
- Location:The space between words
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Sakura - Orgel J-pop Hit Collection
- Location:Under your bed
- Mood:Perfectly Sane
- Music:You - Karen Carpenter
You are The High Priestess
Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.
The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
- Location:Tralala land
- Mood: impressed
- Music:Kalipay - Pinikpikan
_________________________
I saw this entry from a guy's profile here in __ and it pulled me out of the rut I was in. So I decided to look for who originally wrote it and saw that it's been copied in a couple of blogs already. I managed to get as far as a blogger named "Ala" so I guess she wrote it.
Regardless of who wrote it, I just wanna say thank you. For making me remember things I always knew but needed to be reminded of.
__________
If you love someone, ask him for nothing. Don't hold him from his destiny. Don't keep him from going off in search of his own answers. Don't ask him for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don't ask him for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come.
And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.
But should he not return to you, then life hasn't cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.
By setting a person a free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can't hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.
----------------
Looking back on this post I remember what it was like to feel all those emotions. It was the first time I genuinely fell for anybody.
Heh, life throws us around the weirdest loops doesn't it? It's real interesting.... This carnival ride we're living.
- Location:Memory Lane
- Mood: nostalgic
- Music:We Learn - Alanis Morissette
1.Dukkha: There is suffering. Suffering is an intrinsic part of life also experienced as dissatisfaction, discontent, unhappiness, impermanence.
2. Samudaya: There is a cause of suffering, which is attachment or desire (tanha).
3. Nirodha: There is a way out of suffering, which is to eliminate attachment and desire.
4. Magga: The path that leads out of suffering is called the Noble Eightfold Path.
Ever since I was little, I've always considered myself as a brat that thought about things too much. This was one of my favorite topics to play mental ping-pong with. True, all of our disappointments and heartaches come from our unfulfilled and defeated expectations; that all our desires and aspirations lead us to our own disappointments. After all, we only mourn over the loss of the things we trully care about. And yet, arn't these very desires the things that bring us inexplicable pleasure and happiness once fulfilled?
In every religion and system of philosophy there is always a concept of duality; of opposites, light and dark, pleasure and pain, bliss and suffering, good and evil, Yang and Yin. One concept I find rather strange and paradoxical is that we always know one through the other. That through anguish we know relief, and through fulfillment we know disappointment.
Yet in Buddhism, the concept of true bliss or Nirvana is the state of being free from all these universal concepts. That through freeing oneself of all attatchments, you free yourself of suffering and through that know real joy.
True, in theory (and in boddhisatvas practice) this effectively frees one of all the wear and tear the world inflicts on us unenlightened beings. That upon becoming one who is awakened we can become truly empty...
But then again, is that really bliss? To live your transient life on this earth unattached and free of all desires? As human beings don't we derive happiness from the duality of things?
Grounded in our own realities as we may be, life reveals itself to us each day the joys of being real and existent. As tough as it is to be alive on any given day, through each unique and incomparable second we spend fully experiencing the here and now, we allow ourselves the feeling of bliss. That in each and every unique experience, from the most significant success to the most devastating heartbreak, from the most monumental turning-point in our lives to a walk in a park at two in the morning, we somehow grasp a feeling of fullness. Isn't happiness also contained in the details and subtleties of our daily routine and emotions? I don't claim to know happiness completely, or to live each moment in my existence in a state of bliss, but somehow I just can't wrap my head around the thought of sacrificing my humanity to acheive a state of stoic nirvana.......
Why do people get world-weary? Time can be observed from a grain of sand, I forgot who said that. But can't the same be said for happiness? Finding gratitude and joy in the smallest of details?
For some people a state of nothingness may be a source of divinity, yet for me..... I can't deny that God reveals His truths through my desires; that following them cultivates my spirit and that of the world.
_______________________
This is what you get after having your brain in a state of atrophy for almost 19 hours. Randomness... Ampf...
What the f*ck am I talking about!?@?! T_T
Oh screw the spell check.
- Location:The space between crazy and delusional
- Mood:
blank - Music:Corinne Bailey Rae - Trouble Sleeping
I tried tyoing his name in different ways on the search engine to see what would come up. After a few tries I found THIS site. The headline said, Jay Tan, 1975 - 2008. After reading the blog, I started feeling uneasy. I looked up the guy's blog and checked out the linked post.
Apparently he just had a kidney transplant and was blogging 7 days out of the surgery.. The disturbing part was, he was still blogging until Jan.17, 08.
To be honest I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just feel freaked out at how something like that could creep on you like that. Knowing that death can - and eventually will - touch you is a very unpleasant feeling.
The words he left behind on virtual space were so concrete, so real. It's unnerving to think that nine months ago this guy was on the internet doing the same thing I'm doing now. It makes the concept all too real.
I guess it's true what they say, everybody knows they're going to die, it's just that nobody believes it.
Yet again I'm immersed in the feeling that time seems like an all-too precious commodity.
My most sincere prayers for his departed spirit, his proof of life has reached even us who did not have the privelege of knowing him.
- Location:The brink of realization
- Mood:Perturbed
Touched by a whisper,
Swaying on currents unseen
Death in verdant guise.
Swaying on currents unseen
Death in verdant guise.
- Location:Ate's room
- Mood: excited
- Music:Bound for the Floor - Local H
I'm starting today.
In every sense of the word. Physically, mentally, I've been priming myself for months.
I'm getting up.
Enough sleeping.
Time to get rid of what doesn't work, stop what isn't right.
Restore much of what I've lost.
So yeah.
I'm pretty much done being asleep.
That being said..... I'm off to bed. XD
- Mood:Determined
- Music:Puso-Spongecola (Don't give me that look.)
